Post by High Priestess on Sept 20, 2015 14:55:48 GMT
Some venting -- I just had an unpleasant encounter with guest's friend 
Deborah shared on New Hosts Forum
7 months ago
Deborah
A guest just arrived today -- I had left out keys for her in the lockbox as I was to be out during the time she arrived. When I got home, I was concerned because I found her in the kitchen with a friend, having tea, and I don't allow guests to bring visitors over. I make that very clear in my house rules.
I confronted her and him immediately and said he would have to go because I don't allow guests to bring friends over. At my first glance of him I intuited that there was a problem here, because he was sitting in my kitchen drinking tea in a very proprietary way, as if he was sitting in a chair he owned, and when I said he would have to leave, he made no move but just stared at me. Not good, honey! You don't do that to me in my house when I tell you to go!
But I set that aside for the moment, generously offering him a few moments to leave, and then I took the guest around the house to show her where everything was -- and asked her if she had read the house rules, where I am very clear that friends aren't allowed in. She said yes, but thought it would be okay if he came in because he helped her bring luggage in. I said no, "no visitors in my house means exactly what I said".
WHen I finished showing her around the house, we returned to the kitchen and the friend was still there. I then directly asked him to leave. He then stated that he was not going to leave because he was waiting for her to finish something and then he would leave with her and never come back.
I left the room to consider the situation, realized I was very angry, and realized I was being bullied, so I returned to the kitchen, determined to "take up space" in my house, which I have learned is the best response to being bullied. I began to make tea, sat down with this friend of the guest, stared at him a moment, and when he began to give me his vital statistics, as if to prove he was not a criminal, I began calmly to explain that this was not about whether he was a good or bad person, it is just that I have certain rules and wish them to be respected.
WHen he began to argue with me and say my rules were offensive and obnoxious, I then stood up and told him he'd be leaving this instant. He said "I'm not leaving you can call the police" . Then I told the guest, who had certainly heard all of this and was uncomfortable with what she had heard him say, to also ask him to leave. She told him to go. THen I again told him to go and told him I would be calling the police if he didn't leave right away. We both drilled the point home into him without relenting and finally he got up and left, slamming the door behind him, at which I told this guest, "He is not to EVER come back to my house again!" She understood that this was unacceptable behavior, and admitted that he was "special" and oversensitive. She mentioned his nationality, though I would not peg this behavior really on anyone's nationality -- but I've seen it before, actually in that very same spot with a long term tenant (who I ended up having to evict in short order) almost exactly 3 years ago....I believe.it has to do with dislike of authority.
Anyhow -- I certainly sense l the awkwardness my new guest feels to get things started in my house on this sour note, and I feel awkward too, but I hope she learned a lesson about not bringing a friend with that kind of attitude into someone's home. She apologized to me a couple time already.
I am reflecting on this and wondering if there is anything I could have done differently, but I really don't think that the unpleasantness involved here was owing to my lack of art. I "could" have let him stay for another 30 minutes while he waited for her to get ready, but I didn't feel like doing that -- because he had already indicated that he did not respect my house rules, and I don't want someone like that in my house for another few seconds, let alone 30 minutes. I felt like I had to make very clear whose house this is, and in doing that, I actually also felt like I "took back some power" over a similar situation 3 years ago where I was not able to stand up for myself as strongly as I did today.
Finally, I'd like to suggest that this story offers a good example of why it is often best not to allow guests to bring their friends to your house. THe "friend" has not signed a contract with you -- they have not read your house rules, and they have not agreed to them. In fact, they may despise your rules, as this man seemed to. WHile the guest has an obligation to you, and you have screened the guest and chosen to invite this person to your home, you have done no such thing for any random other person, friend or relative or other, whom the guest chooses to bring over to your house. You may not like the guest's friend. You may find them offensive, and disrespectful, as I found this man today. Now on the other hand the friend may be wonderful, respectful and charming -- but if they are not, what will you do then? So I suggest you protect yourself from the possibility of finding yourself bullied in your house, but not allowing anyone to enter through the front door whom you yourself haven't invited in.
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Elizabeth
Elizabeth7 months ago
I would also have asked the guest herself to leave immediately.
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Queenie & Ted
Queenie & Ted7 months ago
Good for you for not allowing him to bully you! Seems like he may have bullied your guest as well if she read your rules but let him come in anyway. As I was reading your story, I could not help but feel that the friend's disrespect may not only have been for authority but for women as well. I think you saved yourself a lot of trouble by nipping this situation in the bud. And I bet your guest has learned a lesson as well - that hosts have good reason for the house rules they create! Make yourself another cup of tea and feel the power!
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Deborah
Deborah7 months ago
My sense of this guest is that she is really apologetic about this, she can see how out of line he was. I had no impulse to ask the guest to leave --- I do feel fine with her. ALso she is staying for a relatively long stay -- more than a month. I just spoke to her again about it a few minutes ago, and again I feel okay with her. She re-emphasized that he would not be coming back to my house. I believe her -- so I feel comfortable about the whole situation. But I will monitor the situation too.
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Elizabeth
Elizabeth7 months ago
Ensure that you are safe. That fella strikes me as a bit too cocky to just let this slide.
Fiona
Fiona7 months ago
You asked if you could have done anything differently. With hindsight I see two opportunities. The first is allowing the self check-in. If you had been the one (or had a proxy) to check her in you could have stopped this at the threshold. The second is leaving him alone in the kitchen while giving her the tour, waiting until he got himself up and gone might have had more impact.
Sounds like this is behind you but I would also message the guest through Airbnb and say something like "I appreciate your apology and believe you that you will not let a visitor come in again however want to stress to you that if it does happen again your reservation will be immediately terminated."
You did really well by going back into your kitchen to take up your own space.
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Fiona
Fiona7 months ago
I think I would also ask her to give you his name and a little information about him. That way, if he is the one helping her out with her luggage in a month he might be a little less tempted to make any parting shots since he'll likely know from her that you know who he is, information you could pass along to the police if called for.
Deborah
Deborah7 months ago
You're right, I should have asked him to leave before I gave her the tour ---- I think it took me a few minutes to think of the best approach and I was indecisive for a bit -- partly, because I actually have had it happen a handful of times that a guest who knows that I have a rule about no friends coming over, nevertheless will allow a friend to come in, who is helping them carry their baggage in. Sometimes this gets extended into spending a few minutes in the guests' room -- I have generally allowed the guest to have the friend receive the help getting bags carried in by another. So in my mind, I was wondering if I should consider this being in that category, since the first thing she said was, "he was helping me carry my bags in." Also, I think I was just taken aback that he didn't leave right away and apologize when I first said that I dont' allow guests to have visitors --- in other cases, the visitor has left immediately with apology. That this didn't happen here, left me uncertain for a short time how to respond.
Fiona
Fiona7 months ago
You did really well in the moment and note yourself that it was an improvement over events of three years ago so well done. I'm just reminded of the advice you give a lot about knowing your boundaries in advance so you can have something to lean on when a situation comes up and this seems like a good opportunity to firm those up. Eg. No future louts lounging in the kitchen after they've been told to leave.
C C
C C7 months ago
Deborah, you absolutely did the right thing all the way along.... You are always such an inspiration to all of us hosts! We look to you knowing we will never be let down. I have it in my rules as well that no one other than that guest enters my home, whether it's a cabbie helping in with luggage or anything else. Period. Even when I did craigslist, I got a picture of the person's driver's license--AND quickly emailed it to myself before they ever entered the house (in case in a wild situation they might get my phone & delete it--sounds crazy but I have watched a TV show or two!). With Airbnb you always have some sort of verification on guest, but when they bring a total stranger in, that goes out the window. You have to think not only of yourself but of other guests too. I used to drive for Lyft. Lyft knew whose credit card paid for the ride, but they didn't have a CLUE about the rider's 8 best buddies who crammed into my van. Total strangers--behind you, mostly drunk & maybe armed. Lyft has a review system too & always has a sword dangling over your head, which might cause you to take unnecessary chances. NOT WORTH IT!! Deborah, know how much we all esteem you--I know I speak for very many people on here.
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Deborah
Deborah7 months ago
Thanks CC! I am so glad to be able to help everyone here. Actually I think these "unpleasant" situations all teach us something valuable, which gives us wisdom we can then turn around and help others with -- that's been my experience anyway.
Michele Yap
Michele Yap7 months ago
Thanks for sharing Deborah (and CC) Always appreciate your wisdom.
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Andrew
Andrew7 months ago
Well done, Deborah!
It's completely understandable that it took you a few minutes to collect yourself and figure out how to handle this horrible person. We all like the idea that we'll immediately know what to do in an unexpected stressful situation, but these things often take us off guard. I think you did exactly the right thing both in standing your ground and demonstrating clearly to the guest that you are NOT to be disrespected.
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Jeannette
Jeannette6 months ago
"I am reflecting on this and wondering if there is anything I could have done differently" .... "Hi! I see your butt is still in my chair. Up now before you get a baseball bat upside your head."
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Deborah
Deborah6 months ago
LOL! Yes Jeannette, and I can just visualize you standing there beside me and saying that to the guest ---!
Jeannette
Jeannette6 months ago
With Cheyenne, my Partner in Crime, waving around her ninja stars.
Lisa
Lisa6 months ago
Lol!
Susan
Susan6 months ago
frankly, the only way this could have been prevented was to be there in person to prevent the unauthorized person from entering. the guest is certainly at fault, period, and deserves mention of the fact that House Rules were not followed in her review. now, YOU are fully capable of addressing the situation in any manner you see fit (apart from physical violence) to remove unauthorized persons from your premises. I reserve the right to terminate the reservation for any infraction of House Rules that may occur. While I would not have terminated your guest's reservation, I certainly would have contemplated it during the discussion where the fellow got rude.
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C C
C C6 months ago
Yeah, Jeannette! Only it's more smoke & mirrors than weapons with me. Just that Clint Eastwood squint I go into. Works a treat, as Australians say.
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Ernest
Ernest6 months ago
I would have had them both leave and referred to your house rules that clearly and unambiguously state: "Rooms are single occupancy only, and guests may not bring any others to visit to my house, neither overnight or during the day. No exceptions will be made... In order to save myself and my guests from trouble in the case of any guest refusing to follow house rules, significant violation of house rules may result in immediate termination of the reservation, forfeiture of the total cost of reservation, and/or a $20 fee per incident."
I'd like to see hosts enforce their rules not only to protect their property and themselves but also to protect other guests that may happen to be on the property and any other Airbnb hosts who may have these guests in the future.
This situation would have ended in about 1 minute had it occurred at my house. Actually, it never would have gotten past the front door as I check-in all of my guests personally.
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Elizabeth
Elizabeth6 months ago
I so like that you just do not take it.
Ernest
Ernest6 months ago
Thanks. Me too. No one can fault one who adheres to and enforces mutually agreed upon terms.
Deborah
Deborah6 months ago
In some situations, one aspires to be Ernest! Ernest I applaud your backbone. I think in the future, to assist myself in being able to act quickly & decisively when needed, I may prohibit guests from having their friends come in even for the 30 seconds it takes to bring baggage in (which I have been allowing up until now), just to be exceptionally clear about the policy, and I will also update the rule about no visitors to emphasize that visitors cannot even come in for one minute. If they ask why I can say it's for reasons of liability ---
I have in fact stopped some previous situations like this, right at the front door, as in many cases I do check guests in personally. (I try to do that as much as possible but it's not always possible). I've turned away several guests' friends, asking them to sit on the front bench if they want to wait for the guest while guest drops off luggage and then goes out with friend.
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Ernest
Ernest6 months ago
Love it. I cringed a bit when I read that "If they ask why I can say it's for reasons of liability --- " because in reality, a host should never be placed in a position where he or she feels the need to explain or validate an agreed upon rule. I understand feeling compelled to rationalize or explain the need for a rule, but one should never need to do so. I think it is best when a guest asks why to answer "because it is a rule that you agreed to upon confirmation of your booking." If a host feels the need to say more then perhaps one in Deborah's situation, one in which there are multiple rooms rented to different guests, could say the rules are enforced for the comfort and safety of the host and any other guests on the property. Some guests may even choose the listing because of this rule.
Sheryl
Sheryl 6 months ago
Great job, Deborah. You have suggested to us all before that we envision what we want as our hosting experience, put house rules in place to create it and be prepared to address issues as they arise. You did all of that and were, therefore, ready for this situation.
I believe that you did exactly the right thing by walking away from the situation to collect yourself and presenting your firm presence rather than combative words when you sat down with the guest of your guest. If you had attacked him verbally, I think he would have taken an even more firm stance and even been provoked to a greater level of anger. By remaining calm and firm and stating clearly and calmly your expectation that he leave NOW, you achieved the result you sought. Oddly, this may prove to be a bonding experience for you and your guest as she now sees her friend more clearly and you both experienced his condescension and rudeness. He clearly did not care about her comfort in the situation either! Now she knows.
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Julie and Eric
Julie and Eric6 months ago
Excellent job, Deborah. I don't host in-home a lot, and I'm trying to think of what I'd do based on my childhood of poor, emotionally-charged "communication." I'd probably get pissed at the guest and possibly yell at them both, then call the cops.
Now that I'm a bit older, have watched and practiced good communication, and have learned about mindfulness, I'd hope to do something like what you did. Calmly say glad to see you were able to check in okay, sorry your guest can't stay any longer, and stand by the door holding my hand toward the exit. If he continues to sit, maybe I'll sit down immediately next to him, cough without covering my mouth, pick my nose/teeth but not in that order, and hope I can muster up some flatulence, tell him he's kinda cute, ask him if he's free tonight.
Okay, now I have to be prepared for that eventuality, and practice the scenario. Thanks for posting this!
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Deborah
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older version w/o commmenter names
A guest just arrived today -- I had left out keys for her in the lockbox as I was to be out during the time she arrived. When I got home, I was concerned because I found her in the kitchen with a friend, having tea, and I don't allow guests to bring visitors over. I make that very clear in my house rules.
I confronted her and him immediately and said he would have to go because I don't allow guests to bring friends over. At my first glance of him I intuited that there was a problem here, because he was sitting in my kitchen drinking tea in a very proprietary way, as if he was sitting in a chair he owned, and when I said he would have to leave, he made no move but just stared at me. Not good, honey! You don't do that to me in my house when I tell you to go!
But I set that aside for the moment, generously offering him a few moments to leave, and then I took the guest around the house to show her where everything was -- and asked her if she had read the house rules, where I am very clear that friends aren't allowed in. She said yes, but thought it would be okay if he came in because he helped her bring luggage in. I said no, "no visitors in my house means exactly what I said".
WHen I finished showing her around the house, we returned to the kitchen and the friend was still there. I then directly asked him to leave. He then stated that he was not going to leave because he was waiting for her to finish something and then he would leave with her and never come back.
I left the room to consider the situation, realized I was very angry, and realized I was being bullied, so I returned to the kitchen, determined to "take up space" in my house, which I have learned is the best response to being bullied. I began to make tea, sat down with this friend of the guest, stared at him a moment, and when he began to give me his vital statistics, as if to prove he was not a criminal, I began calmly to explain that this was not about whether he was a good or bad person, it is just that I have certain rules and wish them to be respected.
WHen he began to argue with me and say my rules were offensive and obnoxious, I then stood up and told him he'd be leaving this instant. He said "I'm not leaving you can call the police" . Then I told the guest, who had certainly heard all of this and was uncomfortable with what she had heard him say, to also ask him to leave. She told him to go. THen I again told him to go and told him I would be calling the police if he didn't leave right away. We both drilled the point home into him without relenting and finally he got up and left, slamming the door behind him, at which I told this guest, "He is not to EVER come back to my house again!" She understood that this was unacceptable behavior, and admitted that he was "special" and oversensitive. She mentioned his nationality, though I would not peg this behavior really on anyone's nationality -- but I've seen it before, actually in that very same spot with a long term tenant (who I ended up having to evict in short order) almost exactly 3 years ago....I believe.it has to do with dislike of authority.
Anyhow -- I certainly sense l the awkwardness my new guest feels to get things started in my house on this sour note, and I feel awkward too, but I hope she learned a lesson about not bringing a friend with that kind of attitude into someone's home. She apologized to me a couple time already.
I am reflecting on this and wondering if there is anything I could have done differently, but I really don't think that the unpleasantness involved here was owing to my lack of art. I "could" have let him stay for another 30 minutes while he waited for her to get ready, but I didn't feel like doing that -- because he had already indicated that he did not respect my house rules, and I don't want someone like that in my house for another few seconds, let alone 30 minutes. I felt like I had to make very clear whose house this is, and in doing that, I actually also felt like I "took back some power" over a similar situation 3 years ago where I was not able to stand up for myself as strongly as I did today.
Finally, I'd like to suggest that this story offers a good example of why it is often best not to allow guests to bring their friends to your house. THe "friend" has not signed a contract with you -- they have not read your house rules, and they have not agreed to them. In fact, they may despise your rules, as this man seemed to. WHile the guest has an obligation to you, and you have screened the guest and chosen to invite this person to your home, you have done no such thing for any random other person, friend or relative or other, whom the guest chooses to bring over to your house. You may not like the guest's friend. You may find them offensive, and disrespectful, as I found this man today. Now on the other hand the friend may be wonderful, respectful and charming -- but if they are not, what will you do then? So I suggest you protect yourself from the possibility of finding yourself bullied in your house, but not allowing anyone to enter through the front door whom you yourself haven't invited in.
Reply
I would also have asked the guest herself to leave immediately.
Reply
Good for you for not allowing him to bully you! Seems like he may have bullied your guest as well if she read your rules but let him come in anyway. As I was reading your story, I could not help but feel that the friend's disrespect may not only have been for authority but for women as well. I think you saved yourself a lot of trouble by nipping this situation in the bud. And I bet your guest has learned a lesson as well - that hosts have good reason for the house rules they create! Make yourself another cup of tea and feel the power!
Reply
My sense of this guest is that she is really apologetic about this, she can see how out of line he was. I had no impulse to ask the guest to leave --- I do feel fine with her. ALso she is staying for a relatively long stay -- more than a month. I just spoke to her again about it a few minutes ago, and again I feel okay with her. She re-emphasized that he would not be coming back to my house. I believe her -- so I feel comfortable about the whole situation. But I will monitor the situation too.
Reply
Ensure that you are safe. That fella strikes me as a bit too cocky to just let this slide.
Replly
You asked if you could have done anything differently. With hindsight I see two opportunities. The first is allowing the self check-in. If you had been the one (or had a proxy) to check her in you could have stopped this at the threshold. The second is leaving him alone in the kitchen while giving her the tour, waiting until he got himself up and gone might have had more impact.
Sounds like this is behind you but I would also message the guest through Airbnb and say something like "I appreciate your apology and believe you that you will not let a visitor come in again however want to stress to you that if it does happen again your reservation will be immediately terminated."
You did really well by going back into your kitchen to take up your own space.
Reply
I think I would also ask her to give you his name and a little information about him. That way, if he is the one helping her out with her luggage in a month he might be a little less tempted to make any parting shots since he'll likely know from her that you know who he is, information you could pass along to the police if called for.
Reply
You're right, I should have asked him to leave before I gave her the tour ---- I think it took me a few minutes to think of the best approach and I was indecisive for a bit -- partly, because I actually have had it happen a handful of times that a guest who knows that I have a rule about no friends coming over, nevertheless will allow a friend to come in, who is helping them carry their baggage in. Sometimes this gets extended into spending a few minutes in the guests' room -- I have generally allowed the guest to have the friend receive the help getting bags carried in by another. So in my mind, I was wondering if I should consider this being in that category, since the first thing she said was, "he was helping me carry my bags in." Also, I think I was just taken aback that he didn't leave right away and apologize when I first said that I dont' allow guests to have visitors --- in other cases, the visitor has left immediately with apology. That this didn't happen here, left me uncertain for a short time how to respond.
Reply
You did really well in the moment and note yourself that it was an improvement over events of three years ago so well done. I'm just reminded of the advice you give a lot about knowing your boundaries in advance so you can have something to lean on when a situation comes up and this seems like a good opportunity to firm those up. Eg. No future louts lounging in the kitchen after they've been told to leave.
Reply
you absolutely did the right thing all the way along.... You are always such an inspiration to all of us hosts! We look to you knowing we will never be let down. I have it in my rules as well that no one other than that guest enters my home, whether it's a cabbie helping in with luggage or anything else. Period. Even when I did craigslist, I got a picture of the person's driver's license--AND quickly emailed it to myself before they ever entered the house (in case in a wild situation they might get my phone & delete it--sounds crazy but I have watched a TV show or two!). With Airbnb you always have some sort of verification on guest, but when they bring a total stranger in, that goes out the window. You have to think not only of yourself but of other guests too. I used to drive for Lyft. Lyft knew whose credit card paid for the ride, but they didn't have a CLUE about the rider's 8 best buddies who crammed into my van. Total strangers--behind you, mostly drunk & maybe armed. Lyft has a review system too & always has a sword dangling over your head, which might cause you to take unnecessary chances. NOT WORTH IT!! Deborah, know how much we all esteem you--I know I speak for very many people on here.
Reply
Thanks! I am so glad to be able to help everyone here. Actually I think these "unpleasant" situations all teach us something valuable, which gives us wisdom we can then turn around and help others with -- that's been my experience anyway.
Reply
Thanks for sharing Always appreciate your wisdom.
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Well done, Deborah!
It's completely understandable that it took you a few minutes to collect yourself and figure out how to handle this horrible person. We all like the idea that we'll immediately know what to do in an unexpected stressful situation, but these things often take us off guard. I think you did exactly the right thing both in standing your ground and demonstrating clearly to the guest that you are NOT to be disrespected.
Reply
"I am reflecting on this and wondering if there is anything I could have done differently" .... "Hi! I see your butt is still in my chair. Up now before you get a baseball bat upside your head."
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LOL! Yes , and I can just visualize you standing there beside me and saying that to the guest ---!
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With my Partner in Crime, waving around her ninja stars.
Rep.ly
Lol!
Reply
frankly, the only way this could have been prevented was to be there in person to prevent the unauthorized person from entering. the guest is certainly at fault, period, and deserves mention of the fact that House Rules were not followed in her review. now, YOU are fully capable of addressing the situation in any manner you see fit (apart from physical violence) to remove unauthorized persons from your premises. I reserve the right to terminate the reservation for any infraction of House Rules that may occur. While I would not have terminated your guest's reservation, I certainly would have contemplated it during the discussion where the fellow got rude.
Reply
Yeah, Only it's more smoke & mirrors than weapons with me. Just that Clint Eastwood squint I go into. Works a treat, as Australians say.
Reply
I would have had them both leave and referred to your house rules that clearly and unambiguously state: "Rooms are single occupancy only, and guests may not bring any others to visit to my house, neither overnight or during the day. No exceptions will be made... In order to save myself and my guests from trouble in the case of any guest refusing to follow house rules, significant violation of house rules may result in immediate termination of the reservation, forfeiture of the total cost of reservation, and/or a $20 fee per incident."
I'd like to see hosts enforce their rules not only to protect their property and themselves but also to protect other guests that may happen to be on the property and any other Airbnb hosts who may have these guests in the future.
This situation would have ended in about 1 minute had it occurred at my house. Actually, it never would have gotten past the front door as I check-in all of my guests personally.
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I so like that you just do not take it.
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Thanks. Me too. No one can fault one who adheres to and enforces mutually agreed upon terms.
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In some situations, one aspires to be like that, just not taking it!! I applaud your backbone. I think in the future, to assist myself in being able to act quickly & decisively when needed, I may prohibit guests from having their friends come in even for the 30 seconds it takes to bring baggage in (which I have been allowing up until now), just to be exceptionally clear about the policy, and I will also update the rule about no visitors to emphasize that visitors cannot even come in for one minute. If they ask why I can say it's for reasons of liability ---
I have in fact stopped some previous situations like this, right at the front door, as in many cases I do check guests in personally. (I try to do that as much as possible but it's not always possible). I've turned away several guests' friends, asking them to sit on the front bench if they want to wait for the guest while guest drops off luggage and then goes out with friend.
Reply
Love it. I cringed a bit when I read that "If they ask why I can say it's for reasons of liability --- " because in reality, a host should never be placed in a position where he or she feels the need to explain or validate an agreed upon rule. I understand feeling compelled to rationalize or explain the need for a rule, but one should never need to do so. I think it is best when a guest asks why to answer "because it is a rule that you agreed to upon confirmation of your booking." If a host feels the need to say more then perhaps one in Deborah's situation, one in which there are multiple rooms rented to different guests, could say the rules are enforced for the comfort and safety of the host and any other guests on the property. Some guests may even choose the listing because of this rule.
Reply
Great job, Deborah. You have suggested to us all before that we envision what we want as our hosting experience, put house rules in place to create it and be prepared to address issues as they arise. You did all of that and were, therefore, ready for this situation.
I believe that you did exactly the right thing by walking away from the situation to collect yourself and presenting your firm presence rather than combative words when you sat down with the guest of your guest. If you had attacked him verbally, I think he would have taken an even more firm stance and even been provoked to a greater level of anger. By remaining calm and firm and stating clearly and calmly your expectation that he leave NOW, you achieved the result you sought. Oddly, this may prove to be a bonding experience for you and your guest as she now sees her friend more clearly and you both experienced his condescension and rudeness. He clearly did not care about her comfort in the situation either! Now she knows.
Reply
Excellent job, Deborah. I don't host in-home a lot, and I'm trying to think of what I'd do based on my childhood of poor, emotionally-charged "communication." I'd probably get pissed at the guest and possibly yell at them both, then call the cops.
Now that I'm a bit older, have watched and practiced good communication, and have learned about mindfulness, I'd hope to do something like what you did. Calmly say glad to see you were able to check in okay, sorry your guest can't stay any longer, and stand by the door holding my hand toward the exit. If he continues to sit, maybe I'll sit down immediately next to him, cough without covering my mouth, pick my nose/teeth but not in that order, and hope I can muster up some flatulence, tell him he's kinda cute, ask him if he's free tonight.
Okay, now I have to be prepared for that eventuality, and practice the scenario. Thanks for posting this!
Deborah shared on New Hosts Forum
7 months ago
DeborahA guest just arrived today -- I had left out keys for her in the lockbox as I was to be out during the time she arrived. When I got home, I was concerned because I found her in the kitchen with a friend, having tea, and I don't allow guests to bring visitors over. I make that very clear in my house rules.
I confronted her and him immediately and said he would have to go because I don't allow guests to bring friends over. At my first glance of him I intuited that there was a problem here, because he was sitting in my kitchen drinking tea in a very proprietary way, as if he was sitting in a chair he owned, and when I said he would have to leave, he made no move but just stared at me. Not good, honey! You don't do that to me in my house when I tell you to go!
But I set that aside for the moment, generously offering him a few moments to leave, and then I took the guest around the house to show her where everything was -- and asked her if she had read the house rules, where I am very clear that friends aren't allowed in. She said yes, but thought it would be okay if he came in because he helped her bring luggage in. I said no, "no visitors in my house means exactly what I said".
WHen I finished showing her around the house, we returned to the kitchen and the friend was still there. I then directly asked him to leave. He then stated that he was not going to leave because he was waiting for her to finish something and then he would leave with her and never come back.
I left the room to consider the situation, realized I was very angry, and realized I was being bullied, so I returned to the kitchen, determined to "take up space" in my house, which I have learned is the best response to being bullied. I began to make tea, sat down with this friend of the guest, stared at him a moment, and when he began to give me his vital statistics, as if to prove he was not a criminal, I began calmly to explain that this was not about whether he was a good or bad person, it is just that I have certain rules and wish them to be respected.
WHen he began to argue with me and say my rules were offensive and obnoxious, I then stood up and told him he'd be leaving this instant. He said "I'm not leaving you can call the police" . Then I told the guest, who had certainly heard all of this and was uncomfortable with what she had heard him say, to also ask him to leave. She told him to go. THen I again told him to go and told him I would be calling the police if he didn't leave right away. We both drilled the point home into him without relenting and finally he got up and left, slamming the door behind him, at which I told this guest, "He is not to EVER come back to my house again!" She understood that this was unacceptable behavior, and admitted that he was "special" and oversensitive. She mentioned his nationality, though I would not peg this behavior really on anyone's nationality -- but I've seen it before, actually in that very same spot with a long term tenant (who I ended up having to evict in short order) almost exactly 3 years ago....I believe.it has to do with dislike of authority.
Anyhow -- I certainly sense l the awkwardness my new guest feels to get things started in my house on this sour note, and I feel awkward too, but I hope she learned a lesson about not bringing a friend with that kind of attitude into someone's home. She apologized to me a couple time already.
I am reflecting on this and wondering if there is anything I could have done differently, but I really don't think that the unpleasantness involved here was owing to my lack of art. I "could" have let him stay for another 30 minutes while he waited for her to get ready, but I didn't feel like doing that -- because he had already indicated that he did not respect my house rules, and I don't want someone like that in my house for another few seconds, let alone 30 minutes. I felt like I had to make very clear whose house this is, and in doing that, I actually also felt like I "took back some power" over a similar situation 3 years ago where I was not able to stand up for myself as strongly as I did today.
Finally, I'd like to suggest that this story offers a good example of why it is often best not to allow guests to bring their friends to your house. THe "friend" has not signed a contract with you -- they have not read your house rules, and they have not agreed to them. In fact, they may despise your rules, as this man seemed to. WHile the guest has an obligation to you, and you have screened the guest and chosen to invite this person to your home, you have done no such thing for any random other person, friend or relative or other, whom the guest chooses to bring over to your house. You may not like the guest's friend. You may find them offensive, and disrespectful, as I found this man today. Now on the other hand the friend may be wonderful, respectful and charming -- but if they are not, what will you do then? So I suggest you protect yourself from the possibility of finding yourself bullied in your house, but not allowing anyone to enter through the front door whom you yourself haven't invited in.
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Elizabeth
Elizabeth7 months ago
I would also have asked the guest herself to leave immediately.
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Queenie & Ted
Queenie & Ted7 months ago
Good for you for not allowing him to bully you! Seems like he may have bullied your guest as well if she read your rules but let him come in anyway. As I was reading your story, I could not help but feel that the friend's disrespect may not only have been for authority but for women as well. I think you saved yourself a lot of trouble by nipping this situation in the bud. And I bet your guest has learned a lesson as well - that hosts have good reason for the house rules they create! Make yourself another cup of tea and feel the power!
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Deborah
Deborah7 months ago
My sense of this guest is that she is really apologetic about this, she can see how out of line he was. I had no impulse to ask the guest to leave --- I do feel fine with her. ALso she is staying for a relatively long stay -- more than a month. I just spoke to her again about it a few minutes ago, and again I feel okay with her. She re-emphasized that he would not be coming back to my house. I believe her -- so I feel comfortable about the whole situation. But I will monitor the situation too.
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Elizabeth
Elizabeth7 months ago
Ensure that you are safe. That fella strikes me as a bit too cocky to just let this slide.
Fiona
Fiona7 months ago
You asked if you could have done anything differently. With hindsight I see two opportunities. The first is allowing the self check-in. If you had been the one (or had a proxy) to check her in you could have stopped this at the threshold. The second is leaving him alone in the kitchen while giving her the tour, waiting until he got himself up and gone might have had more impact.
Sounds like this is behind you but I would also message the guest through Airbnb and say something like "I appreciate your apology and believe you that you will not let a visitor come in again however want to stress to you that if it does happen again your reservation will be immediately terminated."
You did really well by going back into your kitchen to take up your own space.
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Fiona
Fiona7 months ago
I think I would also ask her to give you his name and a little information about him. That way, if he is the one helping her out with her luggage in a month he might be a little less tempted to make any parting shots since he'll likely know from her that you know who he is, information you could pass along to the police if called for.
Deborah
Deborah7 months ago
You're right, I should have asked him to leave before I gave her the tour ---- I think it took me a few minutes to think of the best approach and I was indecisive for a bit -- partly, because I actually have had it happen a handful of times that a guest who knows that I have a rule about no friends coming over, nevertheless will allow a friend to come in, who is helping them carry their baggage in. Sometimes this gets extended into spending a few minutes in the guests' room -- I have generally allowed the guest to have the friend receive the help getting bags carried in by another. So in my mind, I was wondering if I should consider this being in that category, since the first thing she said was, "he was helping me carry my bags in." Also, I think I was just taken aback that he didn't leave right away and apologize when I first said that I dont' allow guests to have visitors --- in other cases, the visitor has left immediately with apology. That this didn't happen here, left me uncertain for a short time how to respond.
Fiona
Fiona7 months ago
You did really well in the moment and note yourself that it was an improvement over events of three years ago so well done. I'm just reminded of the advice you give a lot about knowing your boundaries in advance so you can have something to lean on when a situation comes up and this seems like a good opportunity to firm those up. Eg. No future louts lounging in the kitchen after they've been told to leave.
C C
C C7 months ago
Deborah, you absolutely did the right thing all the way along.... You are always such an inspiration to all of us hosts! We look to you knowing we will never be let down. I have it in my rules as well that no one other than that guest enters my home, whether it's a cabbie helping in with luggage or anything else. Period. Even when I did craigslist, I got a picture of the person's driver's license--AND quickly emailed it to myself before they ever entered the house (in case in a wild situation they might get my phone & delete it--sounds crazy but I have watched a TV show or two!). With Airbnb you always have some sort of verification on guest, but when they bring a total stranger in, that goes out the window. You have to think not only of yourself but of other guests too. I used to drive for Lyft. Lyft knew whose credit card paid for the ride, but they didn't have a CLUE about the rider's 8 best buddies who crammed into my van. Total strangers--behind you, mostly drunk & maybe armed. Lyft has a review system too & always has a sword dangling over your head, which might cause you to take unnecessary chances. NOT WORTH IT!! Deborah, know how much we all esteem you--I know I speak for very many people on here.
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Deborah
Deborah7 months ago
Thanks CC! I am so glad to be able to help everyone here. Actually I think these "unpleasant" situations all teach us something valuable, which gives us wisdom we can then turn around and help others with -- that's been my experience anyway.
Michele Yap
Michele Yap7 months ago
Thanks for sharing Deborah (and CC) Always appreciate your wisdom.
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Andrew
Andrew7 months ago
Well done, Deborah!
It's completely understandable that it took you a few minutes to collect yourself and figure out how to handle this horrible person. We all like the idea that we'll immediately know what to do in an unexpected stressful situation, but these things often take us off guard. I think you did exactly the right thing both in standing your ground and demonstrating clearly to the guest that you are NOT to be disrespected.
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Jeannette
Jeannette6 months ago
"I am reflecting on this and wondering if there is anything I could have done differently" .... "Hi! I see your butt is still in my chair. Up now before you get a baseball bat upside your head."
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Deborah
Deborah6 months ago
LOL! Yes Jeannette, and I can just visualize you standing there beside me and saying that to the guest ---!
Jeannette
Jeannette6 months ago
With Cheyenne, my Partner in Crime, waving around her ninja stars.
Lisa
Lisa6 months ago
Lol!
Susan
Susan6 months ago
frankly, the only way this could have been prevented was to be there in person to prevent the unauthorized person from entering. the guest is certainly at fault, period, and deserves mention of the fact that House Rules were not followed in her review. now, YOU are fully capable of addressing the situation in any manner you see fit (apart from physical violence) to remove unauthorized persons from your premises. I reserve the right to terminate the reservation for any infraction of House Rules that may occur. While I would not have terminated your guest's reservation, I certainly would have contemplated it during the discussion where the fellow got rude.
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C C
C C6 months ago
Yeah, Jeannette! Only it's more smoke & mirrors than weapons with me. Just that Clint Eastwood squint I go into. Works a treat, as Australians say.
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Ernest
Ernest6 months ago
I would have had them both leave and referred to your house rules that clearly and unambiguously state: "Rooms are single occupancy only, and guests may not bring any others to visit to my house, neither overnight or during the day. No exceptions will be made... In order to save myself and my guests from trouble in the case of any guest refusing to follow house rules, significant violation of house rules may result in immediate termination of the reservation, forfeiture of the total cost of reservation, and/or a $20 fee per incident."
I'd like to see hosts enforce their rules not only to protect their property and themselves but also to protect other guests that may happen to be on the property and any other Airbnb hosts who may have these guests in the future.
This situation would have ended in about 1 minute had it occurred at my house. Actually, it never would have gotten past the front door as I check-in all of my guests personally.
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Elizabeth
Elizabeth6 months ago
I so like that you just do not take it.
Ernest
Ernest6 months ago
Thanks. Me too. No one can fault one who adheres to and enforces mutually agreed upon terms.
Deborah
Deborah6 months ago
In some situations, one aspires to be Ernest! Ernest I applaud your backbone. I think in the future, to assist myself in being able to act quickly & decisively when needed, I may prohibit guests from having their friends come in even for the 30 seconds it takes to bring baggage in (which I have been allowing up until now), just to be exceptionally clear about the policy, and I will also update the rule about no visitors to emphasize that visitors cannot even come in for one minute. If they ask why I can say it's for reasons of liability ---
I have in fact stopped some previous situations like this, right at the front door, as in many cases I do check guests in personally. (I try to do that as much as possible but it's not always possible). I've turned away several guests' friends, asking them to sit on the front bench if they want to wait for the guest while guest drops off luggage and then goes out with friend.
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Ernest
Ernest6 months ago
Love it. I cringed a bit when I read that "If they ask why I can say it's for reasons of liability --- " because in reality, a host should never be placed in a position where he or she feels the need to explain or validate an agreed upon rule. I understand feeling compelled to rationalize or explain the need for a rule, but one should never need to do so. I think it is best when a guest asks why to answer "because it is a rule that you agreed to upon confirmation of your booking." If a host feels the need to say more then perhaps one in Deborah's situation, one in which there are multiple rooms rented to different guests, could say the rules are enforced for the comfort and safety of the host and any other guests on the property. Some guests may even choose the listing because of this rule.
Sheryl
Sheryl 6 months ago
Great job, Deborah. You have suggested to us all before that we envision what we want as our hosting experience, put house rules in place to create it and be prepared to address issues as they arise. You did all of that and were, therefore, ready for this situation.
I believe that you did exactly the right thing by walking away from the situation to collect yourself and presenting your firm presence rather than combative words when you sat down with the guest of your guest. If you had attacked him verbally, I think he would have taken an even more firm stance and even been provoked to a greater level of anger. By remaining calm and firm and stating clearly and calmly your expectation that he leave NOW, you achieved the result you sought. Oddly, this may prove to be a bonding experience for you and your guest as she now sees her friend more clearly and you both experienced his condescension and rudeness. He clearly did not care about her comfort in the situation either! Now she knows.
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Julie and Eric
Julie and Eric6 months ago
Excellent job, Deborah. I don't host in-home a lot, and I'm trying to think of what I'd do based on my childhood of poor, emotionally-charged "communication." I'd probably get pissed at the guest and possibly yell at them both, then call the cops.
Now that I'm a bit older, have watched and practiced good communication, and have learned about mindfulness, I'd hope to do something like what you did. Calmly say glad to see you were able to check in okay, sorry your guest can't stay any longer, and stand by the door holding my hand toward the exit. If he continues to sit, maybe I'll sit down immediately next to him, cough without covering my mouth, pick my nose/teeth but not in that order, and hope I can muster up some flatulence, tell him he's kinda cute, ask him if he's free tonight.
Okay, now I have to be prepared for that eventuality, and practice the scenario. Thanks for posting this!
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Deborah
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older version w/o commmenter names
A guest just arrived today -- I had left out keys for her in the lockbox as I was to be out during the time she arrived. When I got home, I was concerned because I found her in the kitchen with a friend, having tea, and I don't allow guests to bring visitors over. I make that very clear in my house rules.
I confronted her and him immediately and said he would have to go because I don't allow guests to bring friends over. At my first glance of him I intuited that there was a problem here, because he was sitting in my kitchen drinking tea in a very proprietary way, as if he was sitting in a chair he owned, and when I said he would have to leave, he made no move but just stared at me. Not good, honey! You don't do that to me in my house when I tell you to go!
But I set that aside for the moment, generously offering him a few moments to leave, and then I took the guest around the house to show her where everything was -- and asked her if she had read the house rules, where I am very clear that friends aren't allowed in. She said yes, but thought it would be okay if he came in because he helped her bring luggage in. I said no, "no visitors in my house means exactly what I said".
WHen I finished showing her around the house, we returned to the kitchen and the friend was still there. I then directly asked him to leave. He then stated that he was not going to leave because he was waiting for her to finish something and then he would leave with her and never come back.
I left the room to consider the situation, realized I was very angry, and realized I was being bullied, so I returned to the kitchen, determined to "take up space" in my house, which I have learned is the best response to being bullied. I began to make tea, sat down with this friend of the guest, stared at him a moment, and when he began to give me his vital statistics, as if to prove he was not a criminal, I began calmly to explain that this was not about whether he was a good or bad person, it is just that I have certain rules and wish them to be respected.
WHen he began to argue with me and say my rules were offensive and obnoxious, I then stood up and told him he'd be leaving this instant. He said "I'm not leaving you can call the police" . Then I told the guest, who had certainly heard all of this and was uncomfortable with what she had heard him say, to also ask him to leave. She told him to go. THen I again told him to go and told him I would be calling the police if he didn't leave right away. We both drilled the point home into him without relenting and finally he got up and left, slamming the door behind him, at which I told this guest, "He is not to EVER come back to my house again!" She understood that this was unacceptable behavior, and admitted that he was "special" and oversensitive. She mentioned his nationality, though I would not peg this behavior really on anyone's nationality -- but I've seen it before, actually in that very same spot with a long term tenant (who I ended up having to evict in short order) almost exactly 3 years ago....I believe.it has to do with dislike of authority.
Anyhow -- I certainly sense l the awkwardness my new guest feels to get things started in my house on this sour note, and I feel awkward too, but I hope she learned a lesson about not bringing a friend with that kind of attitude into someone's home. She apologized to me a couple time already.
I am reflecting on this and wondering if there is anything I could have done differently, but I really don't think that the unpleasantness involved here was owing to my lack of art. I "could" have let him stay for another 30 minutes while he waited for her to get ready, but I didn't feel like doing that -- because he had already indicated that he did not respect my house rules, and I don't want someone like that in my house for another few seconds, let alone 30 minutes. I felt like I had to make very clear whose house this is, and in doing that, I actually also felt like I "took back some power" over a similar situation 3 years ago where I was not able to stand up for myself as strongly as I did today.
Finally, I'd like to suggest that this story offers a good example of why it is often best not to allow guests to bring their friends to your house. THe "friend" has not signed a contract with you -- they have not read your house rules, and they have not agreed to them. In fact, they may despise your rules, as this man seemed to. WHile the guest has an obligation to you, and you have screened the guest and chosen to invite this person to your home, you have done no such thing for any random other person, friend or relative or other, whom the guest chooses to bring over to your house. You may not like the guest's friend. You may find them offensive, and disrespectful, as I found this man today. Now on the other hand the friend may be wonderful, respectful and charming -- but if they are not, what will you do then? So I suggest you protect yourself from the possibility of finding yourself bullied in your house, but not allowing anyone to enter through the front door whom you yourself haven't invited in.
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I would also have asked the guest herself to leave immediately.
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Good for you for not allowing him to bully you! Seems like he may have bullied your guest as well if she read your rules but let him come in anyway. As I was reading your story, I could not help but feel that the friend's disrespect may not only have been for authority but for women as well. I think you saved yourself a lot of trouble by nipping this situation in the bud. And I bet your guest has learned a lesson as well - that hosts have good reason for the house rules they create! Make yourself another cup of tea and feel the power!
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My sense of this guest is that she is really apologetic about this, she can see how out of line he was. I had no impulse to ask the guest to leave --- I do feel fine with her. ALso she is staying for a relatively long stay -- more than a month. I just spoke to her again about it a few minutes ago, and again I feel okay with her. She re-emphasized that he would not be coming back to my house. I believe her -- so I feel comfortable about the whole situation. But I will monitor the situation too.
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Ensure that you are safe. That fella strikes me as a bit too cocky to just let this slide.
Replly
You asked if you could have done anything differently. With hindsight I see two opportunities. The first is allowing the self check-in. If you had been the one (or had a proxy) to check her in you could have stopped this at the threshold. The second is leaving him alone in the kitchen while giving her the tour, waiting until he got himself up and gone might have had more impact.
Sounds like this is behind you but I would also message the guest through Airbnb and say something like "I appreciate your apology and believe you that you will not let a visitor come in again however want to stress to you that if it does happen again your reservation will be immediately terminated."
You did really well by going back into your kitchen to take up your own space.
Reply
I think I would also ask her to give you his name and a little information about him. That way, if he is the one helping her out with her luggage in a month he might be a little less tempted to make any parting shots since he'll likely know from her that you know who he is, information you could pass along to the police if called for.
Reply
You're right, I should have asked him to leave before I gave her the tour ---- I think it took me a few minutes to think of the best approach and I was indecisive for a bit -- partly, because I actually have had it happen a handful of times that a guest who knows that I have a rule about no friends coming over, nevertheless will allow a friend to come in, who is helping them carry their baggage in. Sometimes this gets extended into spending a few minutes in the guests' room -- I have generally allowed the guest to have the friend receive the help getting bags carried in by another. So in my mind, I was wondering if I should consider this being in that category, since the first thing she said was, "he was helping me carry my bags in." Also, I think I was just taken aback that he didn't leave right away and apologize when I first said that I dont' allow guests to have visitors --- in other cases, the visitor has left immediately with apology. That this didn't happen here, left me uncertain for a short time how to respond.
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You did really well in the moment and note yourself that it was an improvement over events of three years ago so well done. I'm just reminded of the advice you give a lot about knowing your boundaries in advance so you can have something to lean on when a situation comes up and this seems like a good opportunity to firm those up. Eg. No future louts lounging in the kitchen after they've been told to leave.
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you absolutely did the right thing all the way along.... You are always such an inspiration to all of us hosts! We look to you knowing we will never be let down. I have it in my rules as well that no one other than that guest enters my home, whether it's a cabbie helping in with luggage or anything else. Period. Even when I did craigslist, I got a picture of the person's driver's license--AND quickly emailed it to myself before they ever entered the house (in case in a wild situation they might get my phone & delete it--sounds crazy but I have watched a TV show or two!). With Airbnb you always have some sort of verification on guest, but when they bring a total stranger in, that goes out the window. You have to think not only of yourself but of other guests too. I used to drive for Lyft. Lyft knew whose credit card paid for the ride, but they didn't have a CLUE about the rider's 8 best buddies who crammed into my van. Total strangers--behind you, mostly drunk & maybe armed. Lyft has a review system too & always has a sword dangling over your head, which might cause you to take unnecessary chances. NOT WORTH IT!! Deborah, know how much we all esteem you--I know I speak for very many people on here.
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Thanks! I am so glad to be able to help everyone here. Actually I think these "unpleasant" situations all teach us something valuable, which gives us wisdom we can then turn around and help others with -- that's been my experience anyway.
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Thanks for sharing Always appreciate your wisdom.
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Well done, Deborah!
It's completely understandable that it took you a few minutes to collect yourself and figure out how to handle this horrible person. We all like the idea that we'll immediately know what to do in an unexpected stressful situation, but these things often take us off guard. I think you did exactly the right thing both in standing your ground and demonstrating clearly to the guest that you are NOT to be disrespected.
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"I am reflecting on this and wondering if there is anything I could have done differently" .... "Hi! I see your butt is still in my chair. Up now before you get a baseball bat upside your head."
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LOL! Yes , and I can just visualize you standing there beside me and saying that to the guest ---!
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With my Partner in Crime, waving around her ninja stars.
Rep.ly
Lol!
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frankly, the only way this could have been prevented was to be there in person to prevent the unauthorized person from entering. the guest is certainly at fault, period, and deserves mention of the fact that House Rules were not followed in her review. now, YOU are fully capable of addressing the situation in any manner you see fit (apart from physical violence) to remove unauthorized persons from your premises. I reserve the right to terminate the reservation for any infraction of House Rules that may occur. While I would not have terminated your guest's reservation, I certainly would have contemplated it during the discussion where the fellow got rude.
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Yeah, Only it's more smoke & mirrors than weapons with me. Just that Clint Eastwood squint I go into. Works a treat, as Australians say.
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I would have had them both leave and referred to your house rules that clearly and unambiguously state: "Rooms are single occupancy only, and guests may not bring any others to visit to my house, neither overnight or during the day. No exceptions will be made... In order to save myself and my guests from trouble in the case of any guest refusing to follow house rules, significant violation of house rules may result in immediate termination of the reservation, forfeiture of the total cost of reservation, and/or a $20 fee per incident."
I'd like to see hosts enforce their rules not only to protect their property and themselves but also to protect other guests that may happen to be on the property and any other Airbnb hosts who may have these guests in the future.
This situation would have ended in about 1 minute had it occurred at my house. Actually, it never would have gotten past the front door as I check-in all of my guests personally.
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I so like that you just do not take it.
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Thanks. Me too. No one can fault one who adheres to and enforces mutually agreed upon terms.
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In some situations, one aspires to be like that, just not taking it!! I applaud your backbone. I think in the future, to assist myself in being able to act quickly & decisively when needed, I may prohibit guests from having their friends come in even for the 30 seconds it takes to bring baggage in (which I have been allowing up until now), just to be exceptionally clear about the policy, and I will also update the rule about no visitors to emphasize that visitors cannot even come in for one minute. If they ask why I can say it's for reasons of liability ---
I have in fact stopped some previous situations like this, right at the front door, as in many cases I do check guests in personally. (I try to do that as much as possible but it's not always possible). I've turned away several guests' friends, asking them to sit on the front bench if they want to wait for the guest while guest drops off luggage and then goes out with friend.
Reply
Love it. I cringed a bit when I read that "If they ask why I can say it's for reasons of liability --- " because in reality, a host should never be placed in a position where he or she feels the need to explain or validate an agreed upon rule. I understand feeling compelled to rationalize or explain the need for a rule, but one should never need to do so. I think it is best when a guest asks why to answer "because it is a rule that you agreed to upon confirmation of your booking." If a host feels the need to say more then perhaps one in Deborah's situation, one in which there are multiple rooms rented to different guests, could say the rules are enforced for the comfort and safety of the host and any other guests on the property. Some guests may even choose the listing because of this rule.
Reply
Great job, Deborah. You have suggested to us all before that we envision what we want as our hosting experience, put house rules in place to create it and be prepared to address issues as they arise. You did all of that and were, therefore, ready for this situation.
I believe that you did exactly the right thing by walking away from the situation to collect yourself and presenting your firm presence rather than combative words when you sat down with the guest of your guest. If you had attacked him verbally, I think he would have taken an even more firm stance and even been provoked to a greater level of anger. By remaining calm and firm and stating clearly and calmly your expectation that he leave NOW, you achieved the result you sought. Oddly, this may prove to be a bonding experience for you and your guest as she now sees her friend more clearly and you both experienced his condescension and rudeness. He clearly did not care about her comfort in the situation either! Now she knows.
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Excellent job, Deborah. I don't host in-home a lot, and I'm trying to think of what I'd do based on my childhood of poor, emotionally-charged "communication." I'd probably get pissed at the guest and possibly yell at them both, then call the cops.
Now that I'm a bit older, have watched and practiced good communication, and have learned about mindfulness, I'd hope to do something like what you did. Calmly say glad to see you were able to check in okay, sorry your guest can't stay any longer, and stand by the door holding my hand toward the exit. If he continues to sit, maybe I'll sit down immediately next to him, cough without covering my mouth, pick my nose/teeth but not in that order, and hope I can muster up some flatulence, tell him he's kinda cute, ask him if he's free tonight.
Okay, now I have to be prepared for that eventuality, and practice the scenario. Thanks for posting this!