|
Post by maria on Jun 29, 2016 14:11:29 GMT
Hope that Katherine comes back. I have thicker skin and when I asked for help recently and the alluded remarks about sharing my home was maybe a not suitable option, it just did not faze me. I took from where it came, because I know there was no malice but only good intentions to help me; even though sometimes words, ah words are hurtful. You (they, she, he) can write an essay on why some answers are justified, but still a person may feel hurt or unwelcome. We should watch our words. Paraphrasing Ms. Angelou, people will forget what you did for them, but will never forget how you made them feel. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is Deborah inserting a post by Andrew that was deleted, which came after this one by Maria: I like the way CC put it. None of us want to foster a hosting culture in which guests enter our own homes with the upper hand and call the shots about where the boundaries lie. But a variety of fears - bad reviews, loss of SH status, loss of income, lower search rank, awkward feelings - lead hosts to make regrettable decisions that ultimately exacerbate their problems. Most of the time, we can empower ourselves to put those fears to rest, take control of the situation, and deliver the hospitality experience we set out to. But even the most experienced hosts still have to take stock of the big picture - be it their own life circumstances, their neighbors, changes in local law, or cost-benefit analysis - and re-evaluate whether they ought to be doing something differently. Just as we talk about "Red Flags" for guests - of which Deborah has compiled the definitive encyclopedia - there are also a few Red Flags for ourselves. And one of them is letting ourselves be bullied into moving our boundaries and exempting guests from rules. When we reflect on a situation in which this has happened, I think we should zoom out to the bigger picture, think hard about what's going on that's caused us to "give in," and conquer that beast by any means necessary to make sure it doesn't become a pattern (the pattern otherwise known as the Doormat Syndrome). Sometimes the culprit is purely lack of experience or eagerness to please, but often it's something more serious.
|
|
|
Post by High Priestess on Jun 29, 2016 15:25:58 GMT
I definitely see the difficulty (and have made it myself) about hosts giving in to unreasonable demands -- the problems that can arise from this --- but new hosts haven't seen this a thousand times as we have. So, even though like both of you CC and Andrew I have seen this dilemma countless times, each time it rises I try to remember that this host probably has never seen this before. They don't know they are the 7659th instance of experiencing this type of problem/dilemma in the host community. (By the way that's a joke -- I haven't actually counted....) That's why I think it's valuable to state some things very clearly and firmly, but I also think this can be done without inadvertently coming across as blaming or shaming. (Which isn't to say some hosts shouldn't be scolded! )
Also being as this is a lesser used forum than the Airbnb Community Center and we don't have tons of hosts pouring in here every day, I am hoping this can be a softer kinder environment for newbies than in some of the alternatives.
In essence the first thing I think such hosts may not realize, is that these kinds of problems with guests, are in fact a result of hosts' own problems with "giving in." As you put it, Andrew, it is indeed a kind of Red Flags for hosts type of thing -- where the host needs to be cognizant of their own difficulty saying no, and the "Doormat" phenomenon you've written so well about.
However it does seem to be the case, still, that hosts who have this tendency of difficulty saying no, have to learn by experience rather than by reading our articles on Red Flags or Doormat Syndrome. Many (though not all) may have to have a negative experience with a guest, coming as a result of their inability to say no, in order to really "get it" or "grok" what is going on. I've noticed this to be true with so many aspects in life -- that people often can't learn in any other way than by making mistakes. Here's another possible saying for the wise old prophet: "Blessed are they who only need one big mistake to learn a thing." People dont' readily learn from other's advice -- but sometimes a bad experience does catch their attention.
In this case Katherine said she learned from this experience. So in that sense she is far ahead of many other hosts who may indeed fit what you say, ANdrew, about something more serious going on. Indeed Doormattiness, spinelessness, is a serious weakness to have when in this particular business. I don't think it correlates though to being in the business just for the money....it's likely to be a thing with a deep psychological basis.
The comments I made about a big dog were tongue in cheek joking ones ---- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is Deborah inserting a comment by ANdrew that was deleted, that came next in this thread: I'll go sit in the corner now and think hard about what I've done!
|
|
|
Post by High Priestess on Jun 29, 2016 16:13:11 GMT
LOL ANdrew --- Better no one has to retreat in a corner -- instead we all feel free and freewheeling in our lives, running around having fun and playing like a bunch of excited kids --
|
|
|
Post by CC on Jun 29, 2016 16:14:01 GMT
The situations I've seen described on the CC and on the old groups that people were willing to put up with were dire. Without being able to look back & see exactly, I won't quote them but along the lines of some guest sexually abusing their companion but the host didn't want to rock the boat...and one where the guest pretty much set up a brothel & the host said, oh, bad review if I say anything.... The dude I had who was creepy sexually sent me a text during the decline process the second time he tried to book, having the nerve to suggest that he would blow the whistle with Airbnb & let them know he lied originally when he gave me a good review & dazzling stars--if he didn't get his way. I should've told him to come on over, cuz in fact I do have something for you.
|
|
|
Post by High Priestess on Jun 29, 2016 16:28:35 GMT
Yes, in those kinds of situations, CC, (and I have seen some too) it is important for the host community to come across firmly with hosts who allow things to get that very far out of hand. It can even become a danger for the host in some instances!!
|
|
|
Post by Mabel on Jun 29, 2016 16:34:32 GMT
One of the most valuable lessons I learned from experience only, led me to enforcing my strict policy that every single guest in the party must partake in my orientation tour, and if the other guests in the party do not speak English, the English speaking one must translate everything I say, in real time, as I say it, during the tour to the other quests. This of course does seem strict and is not always met with enthusiasm but none the less, I enforce it. When the English speaking guest says "I will explain it all to my parents later"... I tell them I prefer it to be translated as I speak, because it's too difficult to remember everything later. They then comply. Since I've done this I've had far fewer if any difficulties with following of house rules across many different cultures. This is a small shared space. My ability to pull off consistently excellent hosting and remain happy doing it under these conditions relies on my careful enforcement of my policies.
|
|
|
Post by katherine on Jun 29, 2016 21:11:00 GMT
Andrew just wanted some tips from seasoned hosts but thanks for making me laugh!
|
|
|
Post by katherine on Jun 29, 2016 21:11:11 GMT
Andrew just wanted some tips from seasoned hosts but thanks for making me laugh!
|
|
|
Post by katherine on Jun 29, 2016 21:21:27 GMT
Loved this! Thank you hopefully someone else in the future might stumble upon it and need it too!
|
|
|
Post by katherine on Jun 29, 2016 21:26:06 GMT
I can take the heat! I'm in it for the long run! I take my job seriously and want to learn that's why I'm here. Where I live jobs are hard to come by so now that I have this going I treasure it and want to do my best for my self, my family, and also the community of hosts. I see you all as my colleagues.
|
|
|
Post by High Priestess on Jun 29, 2016 23:21:51 GMT
Thanks for letting us know Katherine that you found this discussion helpful, that we didn't scare you off, and that you feel like we are your colleagues. Excellent! Also, I hear you, about how valuable the hosting business can be when jobs are hard to come by. I think it can be so good for people to have this opportunity -- in many ways.
|
|
|
Post by CC on Jun 30, 2016 3:11:27 GMT
I hope Andrew got out of the corner.
|
|
|
Post by Mabel on Jun 30, 2016 3:33:35 GMT
CC, Andrew needs to stay in the corner for a full 24 hours, where he is undergoing an intensive course in sensitivity training - pending assessment upon completion.
|
|
|
Post by maria on Jun 30, 2016 3:36:44 GMT
I'll go sit in the corner now and think hard about what I've done! LOL {{{Andrew}}} you made me laugh.
|
|
|
Post by helgaparis on Jul 2, 2016 17:35:50 GMT
You were so right, Andrew. I had that happen a few times that I guessed the guest would be complicated, needed the money badly and knew I should get another paid job. But sometimes you can't and you take the complicated people nevertheless. For the full apartment rentals, it's easier: I tell myself: If it cleans, I'llclean it, if it can be repaired, I'll repair it and for the rest, there is insurance. As long as I'm not around, I worry less. For the shared room it's harder, but I learned to detach myself. I close a curtain on the mess (still thinking about drilling them to clean up DAILY) and where there is a risk for damage, I tell, I order, I bellow orders. That stade is rarely needed, but even if I hate it, it feels better than swallowing the anger.
I'm more lenient on reviews. If they amend their ways during the stay, I don't mention it. It feels strange to judge customers like children.
I think everyone falls for the bathroom trick once. My last guest who clearly intended to dry it, was deceived. She came home earlier for pick-up believing that I was still out, but I had locked the other lock, for which guests have no key. I let her in but not farther than 2 steps. She said "I need to use the bathroom " and I said no. She took it for a joke and I added "No, you can't. I already cleaned it." It took 30 seconds till the tought was completed and reached her eyes. It got me 4 stars on value, but I prefer that over cleaning the bathroom again whilst the next guest arrives. She had pulled the same trick already on early drop off (before cleaning), so I was prepared at checkout.
|
|