Post by High Priestess on May 30, 2016 0:16:29 GMT
Amelia shared on NHF Jan 2015
www.airbnb.com/groups/content/content-101792
Advice plz. Make guest . Touched&squeezed my arm in door way . V uncomfortable w this .
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Male guest
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Dane
Danea year ago
Try to bring along a companion when male guest come in...
Barbara
Barbaraa year ago
Call AirBNB, tell them what happened, see what they recommend. Maybe they will get guest to leave. If you feel threatened call police. Your safety is first priority. If uncomfortable, you could have a friend stay with you? Just thoughts
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Deborah
Deboraha year ago
This is the type of thing where your own "gut sense" or intuition about what happened is important. Sometimes people touch each other in a very friendly affectionate, innocent way -- but other times it is boundary-crossing, and can feel invasive or even like sexual harrassment. Other hosts can't really tell you what happened -- only you would know that. THough we can sometimes be mistaken about what we think occurred, often when the intent is not good, there are other "signals" that help us validate our intuitions about what occurred.
THis is the kind of thing that is really difficult to give any advice at all about -- it could be the type of thing that the only option is to ask the guest to leave, or it could be that as you reflect on it and talk to guest you realize the gesture was innocent. If you do feel very uncomfortable, though, that is important information -- maybe talking to an Airbnb customer service person might help you decide what to do?
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Thank you . It has never happened before and I've hosted to over 40 guests . It was in a door way his shoulder to mine . Something in me was alerted . I will have guests besides him stay from tomorrow night onwards. He is eager to help me , cook dinner and so on . I've said NO thank you . He brought gifts with him for me . Cake and booze ( I have a no booze rule ) why would someone bring booze? No one has ever brought a gift . This is a business . He is here for a month , this is his first night , he has left his wife & 2 week old baby behind while here job searching ...strange behaviour for me . It's exhausting to constantly reaffirm boundaries . I will keep it in mind re air B and B . Maybe this man is very naive or it's a culture clash ? Definitely the touching in a closed in space worried me. He also commented on my PJs ...they are nothing special .
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Micah
Micaha year ago
Sounds like an a hole, trying to cheat on his wife. Get him gone.
Leah
Leaha year ago
Yeah, that is really inappropriate for the first night or any night thereafter. And to be there for a month will be creepy.
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Barbara
Barbaraa year ago
Ugh, the more you say...the worse it sounds! Glad you have other guests with you going forward. If he is staying a month and his intentions are not good you will get more signals soon and if they are bad, I would have him leave. A month is a long time to be in a stressful hosting situation! Good luck
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Elizabeth
Elizabetha year ago
One month of discomfort? I don't think so. If you've hosted 40 guests and this is the fist time that you have felt this discomfort with a guest, go with your gut. Contact AirBNB and see how you can get him out of there in a hurry, cultural differences notwithstanding. The vibes he has been sending out are very suspect.
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
RED FLAG: We are women and knows the difference between being friendly and inappropriate... Your gutt feeling is what you go with. Different culture I understand, but he has crossed the boundaries. Asked him nicely to follow the house rules and have a friend stay with you or he needs to leave... Where is he from???
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Danny
Dannya year ago
Why was he able to see your pj's? Maybe you are the one with the culture clash. The guy is probably lonely having been separated from his family. Maybe he just needs a cup of tea.
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Elizabeth
Elizabetha year ago
Curious way to get a cup of tea.
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
Men will be men, cup of tea or not, he has crossed the line. This is a business agreement. He can get a cup of tea all he wants. But his eyes and mind might be on other things... Nip it in the bud, put your foot down and he needs to be a guest and you a Host... If he makes you feel on safe, time to go. Simple... Away from his family, he shouldn't be putting his hands on her in the first place... RESPECT!!!!
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
SORRY! I got a little heated with this one. Put yourself in her shoes and see how it would have made you feel. I would totally be uncomfortable. Shaking a person hand is appropriate, touching (and its how he did it, that made her uncomfortable).
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Rick
Ricka year ago
He should, of course, respect your rules...but gifts are not inappropriate, booze is not (email hidden) is a business---but with a twist....the personal touch (not physical!) is what makes it special...
why are you padding about in your pjs?? I hope they are men's pj's & not something brief & frilly....It's good that you have other guests in the house...if he stays, keep him at arm's length with clear boundaries...
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
Ok! This is not your family member, by bringing gifts on arrival. (When you book at a Hotel ) do you bring gifts and booze for the staff there??? YES! Hosting is more personable, but we still have boundaries to follow. I smile, offer small gifts to my guest to say thank you when they are LEAVING and when they are here give them privacy to do what they like within my house rules agreement.
I understand the gifts, but he should have left it at that. ( the inappropriate touching seems like he want to see how far he can go ) or his butt is just tooo friendly :^)
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
It's her home and she needs to feel comfortable and safe... Covering up with a robe if you have to leave your room to go into the kitchen is suggested, so pj's is not seen by guest..
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Nic and Rach
Nic and Racha year ago
I agree with you Lisa about men will be men but not all men are the same...how about women will be women of course there's always an exception. but let me tell you about this couple that stayed with us before. She was 24 and very attractive, whenever the husband is not around and she is by herself she will knock on the basement door and asking to help her with internet connection she covers herself with a robe but when she leans over her 2 big melons pops out and she'll say Ohh.. I'm sorry....and I was so embarrassed.... and she did this twice...so the third time, I told my wife to help her.. Anyway, with Amelia's situation That one to me is a red flag. giving you a gift, cake and booze.. is an indication of he has something in mind... he can be lonely or just simply horny. that's my guess...
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Leah
Leaha year ago
She wanted to make sure you had dual bandwidth
Leah
Leaha year ago
This is the kind of story my husband's coworkers always hoped to hear! I didn't notice any updated rules saying "No floosies allowed" LOL
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
Hahahahahaha:^) she needed help with the Internet connection ha? That was your test hahaha! I know he does, why you think it made me upset. That is not the service we as Hosts provide. But she handled it well, by asking for help... With me, I would've gotten a bad review:) bringing a single women you have to expect the unexpected and handle it at once..
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Thank you for the support . Things have toned down today . He has asked me to walk him around the city but he has been here 4 times before . I said no . I am a happily single woman with a little girl . I'm not interested . He asked me if he could go grocery shopping together and I arranged a friend to bring him to the store . He is French with German parents and a polish wife living in Paris . I am in ireland . Having said that I've had a lot of nationalities stay . Korean , Indian , American , Russian , Dutch to name but a few as Ireland is very close to the rest of Europe . Regarding my PJ , my mother bought them for me , they cover all parts of my body ..neck to ankle ! Lisa thank you for your strenght and wisdom . Thank you all ladies
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Leah
Leaha year ago
I bet those pjs are warm, cozy, and made of fleece or flannel. My mom gets me those kind too. ;-)
Elizabeth
Elizabetha year ago
Don't you just love them French guys?!? Frankly, the French people will not understand this whole kerfuffle. That's where the cultural play comes in. You take good care of yourself, Amelia!
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
4 times and still needs help... He is totally interested in you... GREAT JOB, finding him assistance for his errands. HAVE A HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR 2015. And as you can see, we are a feisty bunch, enjoy the rest of your day. And you are most Welcome, anytime.....
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Sheryl
Sheryl a year ago
The question for me is whether you feel uncomfortable OR threatened. People do want what they want and will try to get it! But you can let them know that your answer is “No”. You can talk to him or emailed him (so that the record will exist for AIRBNB) about how you are feeling.
I’d suggest something like “I am happy to have you as my guest. But I am not available to socialize with you. So I will have to ask that there be no touching or comments about my attire. Also, this is a non-alcohol house. So I cannot accept your gift and remind you that no alcohol is allowed on the premises (if that is your rule). I hope that the amenities I am offering as a host will make for a comfortable stay. If not, I will understand if you decide to cancel your reservation (in accordance with my policy) and stay somewhere else. I am sure that AIRBNB can help you with that.”
If you actually feel threatened, contact AIRBNB and have them help you to place him elsewhere immediately.
I, too, suggest that you not wear your pajamas in areas where guests are permitted. Pajamas are generally considered bedroom attire and may suggest something different than you intend even if they cover you. I have a lovely floor length nightie and matching jacket that I bought during the holidays. Together, they “cover me” to the floor but not the same way as casual pants and a t-shirt do! So I would not wear them in front of a guest.
And I hope that there is a lock on your bedroom door. Not that you should be afraid. But setting clear boundaries can’t hurt.
I think that you should communicate clearly with him BEFORE something else happens.
Whatever you do, trust your assessment as an experienced host and decide accordingly. You CAN handle this verrry friendly guest!
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Thank you good suggestions
Tracy
Tracya year ago
Why is it that Danny is constantly saying only harsh things to other host (this one, suggesting the guy was just lonely and be super nice to him, the last was a very harsh criticism of someone's English). I find it really inappropriate in a forum designed to be a support to new hosts (who are not always going to speak or write English perfectly nor should they accept every behaviour from every guest!)
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
Danny is Danny and that may be his way of communicating. Or at the time he may be having a bad day or week... Just ignore. Not everyone will be positive and uplifting of others... It's a New Year, he'll get the hang of it... Or just give him a call... Or send him a message one on one. Not to put it on the forum... Fire and fire just add more fire... Have a great day :^)
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Update . Just been asked out for dinner in a message via air B and B and asked to give him a tour of the local art gallery and to teach him about art .Now just let me say ...my mother has been staying with me as I've had minor surgery and was a day patient ..luckily I've been resting in bed since Monday .I think this man has some serious boundary issues and a strange sense of entitlement . My daughter will be home tomorrow as I expect to be fully recovered . I won't be excepting guests for more than 2 weeks ever again
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Needless to say I messaged him back saying no thanks
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
This is the 2nd time he has asked for a 'tour' and 2nd time I've said no .
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Leah
Leaha year ago
Sheesh! He must think airbnb stands for air booze and babes
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
I don't know . But with the Islamic attacks in Paris today he was very animated all day ( I heard him ) . Perhaps he will return to Paris early
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Rick
Ricka year ago
it's time to tell him that your BOYFRIEND might be willing to show him around & is apparently concerned that he's showing you so much interest!
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
How much longer is his stay?? Just let him leave and not make it much more uncomfortable than it already is...
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
3 weeks . As in ask him to leave Lisa ?
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
What will air B and B think of that ?
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
No! Don't ask him to leave, he is still a guest...
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
You just need to make it clear to him and not be gentle... He's a man, I'm sure he will get the hint... Or have Airbnb, speak to him, letting him know the rules and if he continues to be non compliant, they will find him other accommodations...
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Lisa
Lisaa year ago
This is workable.. If you are not comfortable talking to him, have someone else do it while you are there... This is you business and will come across a few p*****, but you can't give in because of him... There will be others, short and long term guest.. You Need to learn to deal with everyone individually.
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Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Thank you that's all very true .
www.airbnb.com/groups/content/content-101792
Advice plz. Make guest . Touched&squeezed my arm in door way . V uncomfortable w this .
35 comments
Following
Like
Delete
Hide
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Male guest
Reply Like 1 reply Delete
Dane
Danea year ago
Try to bring along a companion when male guest come in...
Barbara
Barbaraa year ago
Call AirBNB, tell them what happened, see what they recommend. Maybe they will get guest to leave. If you feel threatened call police. Your safety is first priority. If uncomfortable, you could have a friend stay with you? Just thoughts
Reply Like 2 likes Delete
Deborah
Deboraha year ago
This is the type of thing where your own "gut sense" or intuition about what happened is important. Sometimes people touch each other in a very friendly affectionate, innocent way -- but other times it is boundary-crossing, and can feel invasive or even like sexual harrassment. Other hosts can't really tell you what happened -- only you would know that. THough we can sometimes be mistaken about what we think occurred, often when the intent is not good, there are other "signals" that help us validate our intuitions about what occurred.
THis is the kind of thing that is really difficult to give any advice at all about -- it could be the type of thing that the only option is to ask the guest to leave, or it could be that as you reflect on it and talk to guest you realize the gesture was innocent. If you do feel very uncomfortable, though, that is important information -- maybe talking to an Airbnb customer service person might help you decide what to do?
Reply Like 3 likes Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Thank you . It has never happened before and I've hosted to over 40 guests . It was in a door way his shoulder to mine . Something in me was alerted . I will have guests besides him stay from tomorrow night onwards. He is eager to help me , cook dinner and so on . I've said NO thank you . He brought gifts with him for me . Cake and booze ( I have a no booze rule ) why would someone bring booze? No one has ever brought a gift . This is a business . He is here for a month , this is his first night , he has left his wife & 2 week old baby behind while here job searching ...strange behaviour for me . It's exhausting to constantly reaffirm boundaries . I will keep it in mind re air B and B . Maybe this man is very naive or it's a culture clash ? Definitely the touching in a closed in space worried me. He also commented on my PJs ...they are nothing special .
Reply Like 1 reply•1 like Delete
Micah
Micaha year ago
Sounds like an a hole, trying to cheat on his wife. Get him gone.
Leah
Leaha year ago
Yeah, that is really inappropriate for the first night or any night thereafter. And to be there for a month will be creepy.
Reply Like 2 likes Delete
Barbara
Barbaraa year ago
Ugh, the more you say...the worse it sounds! Glad you have other guests with you going forward. If he is staying a month and his intentions are not good you will get more signals soon and if they are bad, I would have him leave. A month is a long time to be in a stressful hosting situation! Good luck
Reply Like 1 like Delete
Elizabeth
Elizabetha year ago
One month of discomfort? I don't think so. If you've hosted 40 guests and this is the fist time that you have felt this discomfort with a guest, go with your gut. Contact AirBNB and see how you can get him out of there in a hurry, cultural differences notwithstanding. The vibes he has been sending out are very suspect.
Reply Like 1 like Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
RED FLAG: We are women and knows the difference between being friendly and inappropriate... Your gutt feeling is what you go with. Different culture I understand, but he has crossed the boundaries. Asked him nicely to follow the house rules and have a friend stay with you or he needs to leave... Where is he from???
Reply Like Delete
Danny
Dannya year ago
Why was he able to see your pj's? Maybe you are the one with the culture clash. The guy is probably lonely having been separated from his family. Maybe he just needs a cup of tea.
Reply Like Delete
Elizabeth
Elizabetha year ago
Curious way to get a cup of tea.
Reply Like Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
Men will be men, cup of tea or not, he has crossed the line. This is a business agreement. He can get a cup of tea all he wants. But his eyes and mind might be on other things... Nip it in the bud, put your foot down and he needs to be a guest and you a Host... If he makes you feel on safe, time to go. Simple... Away from his family, he shouldn't be putting his hands on her in the first place... RESPECT!!!!
Reply Like Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
SORRY! I got a little heated with this one. Put yourself in her shoes and see how it would have made you feel. I would totally be uncomfortable. Shaking a person hand is appropriate, touching (and its how he did it, that made her uncomfortable).
Reply Like 4 likes Delete
Rick
Ricka year ago
He should, of course, respect your rules...but gifts are not inappropriate, booze is not (email hidden) is a business---but with a twist....the personal touch (not physical!) is what makes it special...
why are you padding about in your pjs?? I hope they are men's pj's & not something brief & frilly....It's good that you have other guests in the house...if he stays, keep him at arm's length with clear boundaries...
Reply Like Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
Ok! This is not your family member, by bringing gifts on arrival. (When you book at a Hotel ) do you bring gifts and booze for the staff there??? YES! Hosting is more personable, but we still have boundaries to follow. I smile, offer small gifts to my guest to say thank you when they are LEAVING and when they are here give them privacy to do what they like within my house rules agreement.
I understand the gifts, but he should have left it at that. ( the inappropriate touching seems like he want to see how far he can go ) or his butt is just tooo friendly :^)
Reply Like Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
It's her home and she needs to feel comfortable and safe... Covering up with a robe if you have to leave your room to go into the kitchen is suggested, so pj's is not seen by guest..
Reply Like 1 like Delete
Nic and Rach
Nic and Racha year ago
I agree with you Lisa about men will be men but not all men are the same...how about women will be women of course there's always an exception. but let me tell you about this couple that stayed with us before. She was 24 and very attractive, whenever the husband is not around and she is by herself she will knock on the basement door and asking to help her with internet connection she covers herself with a robe but when she leans over her 2 big melons pops out and she'll say Ohh.. I'm sorry....and I was so embarrassed.... and she did this twice...so the third time, I told my wife to help her.. Anyway, with Amelia's situation That one to me is a red flag. giving you a gift, cake and booze.. is an indication of he has something in mind... he can be lonely or just simply horny. that's my guess...
Reply Like 2 replies Delete
Leah
Leaha year ago
She wanted to make sure you had dual bandwidth
Leah
Leaha year ago
This is the kind of story my husband's coworkers always hoped to hear! I didn't notice any updated rules saying "No floosies allowed" LOL
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
Hahahahahaha:^) she needed help with the Internet connection ha? That was your test hahaha! I know he does, why you think it made me upset. That is not the service we as Hosts provide. But she handled it well, by asking for help... With me, I would've gotten a bad review:) bringing a single women you have to expect the unexpected and handle it at once..
Reply Like Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Thank you for the support . Things have toned down today . He has asked me to walk him around the city but he has been here 4 times before . I said no . I am a happily single woman with a little girl . I'm not interested . He asked me if he could go grocery shopping together and I arranged a friend to bring him to the store . He is French with German parents and a polish wife living in Paris . I am in ireland . Having said that I've had a lot of nationalities stay . Korean , Indian , American , Russian , Dutch to name but a few as Ireland is very close to the rest of Europe . Regarding my PJ , my mother bought them for me , they cover all parts of my body ..neck to ankle ! Lisa thank you for your strenght and wisdom . Thank you all ladies
Reply Like 2 replies Delete
Leah
Leaha year ago
I bet those pjs are warm, cozy, and made of fleece or flannel. My mom gets me those kind too. ;-)
Elizabeth
Elizabetha year ago
Don't you just love them French guys?!? Frankly, the French people will not understand this whole kerfuffle. That's where the cultural play comes in. You take good care of yourself, Amelia!
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
4 times and still needs help... He is totally interested in you... GREAT JOB, finding him assistance for his errands. HAVE A HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR 2015. And as you can see, we are a feisty bunch, enjoy the rest of your day. And you are most Welcome, anytime.....
Reply Like Delete
Sheryl
Sheryl a year ago
The question for me is whether you feel uncomfortable OR threatened. People do want what they want and will try to get it! But you can let them know that your answer is “No”. You can talk to him or emailed him (so that the record will exist for AIRBNB) about how you are feeling.
I’d suggest something like “I am happy to have you as my guest. But I am not available to socialize with you. So I will have to ask that there be no touching or comments about my attire. Also, this is a non-alcohol house. So I cannot accept your gift and remind you that no alcohol is allowed on the premises (if that is your rule). I hope that the amenities I am offering as a host will make for a comfortable stay. If not, I will understand if you decide to cancel your reservation (in accordance with my policy) and stay somewhere else. I am sure that AIRBNB can help you with that.”
If you actually feel threatened, contact AIRBNB and have them help you to place him elsewhere immediately.
I, too, suggest that you not wear your pajamas in areas where guests are permitted. Pajamas are generally considered bedroom attire and may suggest something different than you intend even if they cover you. I have a lovely floor length nightie and matching jacket that I bought during the holidays. Together, they “cover me” to the floor but not the same way as casual pants and a t-shirt do! So I would not wear them in front of a guest.
And I hope that there is a lock on your bedroom door. Not that you should be afraid. But setting clear boundaries can’t hurt.
I think that you should communicate clearly with him BEFORE something else happens.
Whatever you do, trust your assessment as an experienced host and decide accordingly. You CAN handle this verrry friendly guest!
Reply Like 1 reply•1 like Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Thank you good suggestions
Tracy
Tracya year ago
Why is it that Danny is constantly saying only harsh things to other host (this one, suggesting the guy was just lonely and be super nice to him, the last was a very harsh criticism of someone's English). I find it really inappropriate in a forum designed to be a support to new hosts (who are not always going to speak or write English perfectly nor should they accept every behaviour from every guest!)
Reply Like 3 likes Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
Danny is Danny and that may be his way of communicating. Or at the time he may be having a bad day or week... Just ignore. Not everyone will be positive and uplifting of others... It's a New Year, he'll get the hang of it... Or just give him a call... Or send him a message one on one. Not to put it on the forum... Fire and fire just add more fire... Have a great day :^)
Reply Like Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Update . Just been asked out for dinner in a message via air B and B and asked to give him a tour of the local art gallery and to teach him about art .Now just let me say ...my mother has been staying with me as I've had minor surgery and was a day patient ..luckily I've been resting in bed since Monday .I think this man has some serious boundary issues and a strange sense of entitlement . My daughter will be home tomorrow as I expect to be fully recovered . I won't be excepting guests for more than 2 weeks ever again
Reply Like Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Needless to say I messaged him back saying no thanks
Reply Like Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
This is the 2nd time he has asked for a 'tour' and 2nd time I've said no .
Reply Like Delete
Leah
Leaha year ago
Sheesh! He must think airbnb stands for air booze and babes
Reply Like 1 like Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
I don't know . But with the Islamic attacks in Paris today he was very animated all day ( I heard him ) . Perhaps he will return to Paris early
Reply Like Delete
Rick
Ricka year ago
it's time to tell him that your BOYFRIEND might be willing to show him around & is apparently concerned that he's showing you so much interest!
Reply Like Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
How much longer is his stay?? Just let him leave and not make it much more uncomfortable than it already is...
Reply Like Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
3 weeks . As in ask him to leave Lisa ?
Reply Like Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
What will air B and B think of that ?
Reply Like Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
No! Don't ask him to leave, he is still a guest...
Reply Like Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
You just need to make it clear to him and not be gentle... He's a man, I'm sure he will get the hint... Or have Airbnb, speak to him, letting him know the rules and if he continues to be non compliant, they will find him other accommodations...
Reply Like Delete
Lisa
Lisaa year ago
This is workable.. If you are not comfortable talking to him, have someone else do it while you are there... This is you business and will come across a few p*****, but you can't give in because of him... There will be others, short and long term guest.. You Need to learn to deal with everyone individually.
Reply Like Delete
Amelia
Ameliaa year ago
Thank you that's all very true .